|
EXCERPT FROM THE
BOOK:
MOST PEOPLE TALK
BULLSHIT -
One Primate's Search
For Intelligent Life (EXODUS)
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
My Friends Think I
Exaggerated About My Dad
One night Brother James, my friend Johnny Q. and
I were sitting about drinking at James place.
James
was living in a townhouse that he rented. Downstairs his place
looked like a showplace. It was hard to believe the once messy
‘Pigpen’ was now a regular Felix Unger. Every thing was fancy
and clean beyond compare.
He had
on occasion, made noises when he came over my place, giving my
place the white glove treatment and other such shit. This
aggravated me, but other than his showboating, I was pleased to
see that he did indeed take after our father in cleanliness.
Johnny Q. was using James downstairs bathroom, and I had the
overpowering urge to empty my bladder at that instant. I decided
to run upstairs to use the bathroom I knew was there, (Since he
told me). As I went for the stair, my brother screams out, “No,
you can’t go up there!”, and he tackles me on the stairs.
Normally I would have respected my brother’s wishes since it was
his place. But, since I was drunk and my need to empty my
bladder was urgent, I insisted on moving forward.
James used every ounce of strength and his famous wiliness to
keep me back. Our struggle was just shy of a fight. I finally
won out and made it to the top landing. Once there, it was
apparent as to why he had fought so hard. The downstairs looked
as if it was cared for by Felix Unger. But the upstairs looked
like it was left in the care of Oscar Madison. It looked like
his old bedroom. “Oh well, he was half way there” I
thought.
174
James told Johnny Q. and I that our dad was back in town. He
wanted us to go visit him. He had done his best not to dwell on
the fact that our dad had abandon him, or that our stepmother
had pistol-whipped him.
We went to our dad’s place. To say he was shocked to see the
both of us would be an understatement.
My dad and stepmother had both been drinking. My dad was in his
element, holding court and catching up with us.
He embraced me, “Look at you with all of those muscles. Shit, if
I had muscles like that I would rule the world.”
Then he looked at me with an odd light in his eyes, “You may
have muscles, and you may be my son, but if you ever gave me
shit… I would blow your fucking head off!” He spun around and
looked maniacally at my friend Johnny Q. and said to me, “I got
a fucking pistol in my bedroom, and if you fucked with me… as
much as I love you… I would not hesitate to put a bullet in your
head!”
I felt a mixture of fear and hurt. I also felt embarrassment for
both of us. I had wished he had never said those things,
especially in front of James and Johnny.
Then my dad looks at James, “Well hell, look at you. You have
become a man.
He grabbed my brother’s muscular hands, “Hey look at your hands,
they are hands that know work. I like those hands.”
Despite the past betrayals and neglect, or perhaps because of
that, James could not help but blush and glow, basking in the
warmth of dad’s stroking.
My dad looks at me, a look of alcohol induced lunacy still on
his face, “Hey Laz, you may be the man with the muscles, but
don’t ever fuck with James. He’s the man. You may have the
muscles, but James is the man, he’s a bad ass. He takes after
me. Don’t fuck with him, he’ll fuck you up.”
My friend Johnny Q., James and I were all feeling uncomfortable
with how dad was trying compare us, to push us into a sort of
competition.
Finally my dad looks at James, and me “So I see that you both
still have your hair. You don’t seem to take after your
Grandfather.”
I said, “Well, I’m starting to lose a little of mine.”
My dad looks concerned, sort of like it would be a shameful
tragedy if his sons lost their hair. This would have been a poor
reflection on his DNA. What would his friends think?
“You know, I was starting to lose my hair, until I quit
drinking”, my dad volunteers.
“My stepmother shrills a shrewish note, “Aw fuck! Ya quit losing
your hair when you quit fucking!”
The air became thick with impending violence. Johnny Q. quickly
mentioned that we had to get going.
My dad shakes Johnny’s hand as he was eyeing his enormous chest
and arms. “Nice to meet you John.”
My dad
looked like he was ready to attack John, but was holding back
due to social protocols.
When
the three of us left, John breathed a sigh of relief.
“Man Vinny, you and James have always told me about your dad,
but up until tonight I thought you and James were exaggerating
about him.
He let out another sigh of stress. “If anything, I think you and
James have been downplaying about your dad. Your dad is intense!
I thought he was on the verge of attacking me several times. He
kept giving me the hairy eye.
“Ahh! It was good to get other people’s perspective
on my family, especially my dad.
BACK TO HOMEPAGE |