You’re my Honky Tonk Boy, Ain’t Ya?

      Uncle Quasimodo started to show an interest in my young cousin Sammy. At twelve years of age Sammy was a beautiful young girl. She looked like she was at least eighteen years old and she could have been a twin to a playboy bunny of that era. But the fact was, she was twelve and he was forty years old. Even though Sammy had a crush on Dennis and they were normally inseparable, she started to hang around me because she thought she would be safer with me. Evidently, Uncle Quasimodo would often corner Sammy and try to get her to kiss him, telling her over and over that she sure was purty, and that it was okay for them to kiss since he just loved her to death he did.

      One time he and I went out to check on the soybean crop that he was growing on some land that he rented miles from home. It was his first year of growing soybeans and his first time on renting land so far from his residence.

      We stopped by to check the crops, and he was acting very odd. He was asking me about Sammy, and wondering if she and Dennis were more than just kissing cousins. I felt really uncomfortable and thought it odd that he seemed jealous. We got back into his truck and we drove for an hour and a half to parts I was not familiar with.

      Eventually he pulled up to a ramshackle house.

      He said, “Let’s go in Lazareneo!” (He liked to play with people’s names).

He knocked on the door, and this foul looking woman answered the door. When I say foul, I am not describing her lack of physical attractiveness, although I did not find her attractive at all. When I say foul, I mean she looked as though he never brushed her teeth, bathed, or washed her hair.

The creases in the back of her bare legs were caked with black (dirt?). Many of her fingernails were broken and all of them had stuff caked under them. She suffered from severe skin eruptions over all of the bare parts of her body that I could see.

      Also in the house with this woman was a young girl about sixteen years old. She was the daughter of the foul woman standing in the center of the room.

She was kind of pretty, but I could see some resemblance to her mother. Uncle Quasimodo introduces me to the women.

      “This is Lazareneo,” he said. Then he added in some more inbred humor saying, “Lazareneo is a honky tonk boy” and then he just laughed.

He sounded more than just a bit insane. He introduces me to Jessica, and then he handed the heinous woman some cash and then gave her more cash so that I would be shown a “good time”.

      Then in magnanimous tones he’d say, “Come on son git yur self a beer.”

He had bought beer with him and set a six-pack on the coffee table in front of Jessica and me.

      With a leer and a wink, “You kids have a good time.”

He went over to the heinous mother and embraced her again exchanging more slurping kisses, between heavy panting. They then went into an adjoining room.

      What blew my mind was that the both of them locked in an intimate embrace and they started some pretty hot and heavy kissing with much tongue wrestling and saliva exchange. They were both breathing heavy as bears in rut. I was blown away for a couple of reasons. One, right in front of my eyes a distant relative was cheating on his wife and he was doing it in front me. The second reason was that I was not able to reconcile the fact that Uncle Quasimodo the most fastidious clean freak that I have ever met, and yet, he did not hesitate to roll around in the adjoining room with this woman. The sound of creaking bedsprings jangled my nerves.

      Jessica cracked open a can of beer and handed one to me. I must say, except for the occasional sips that I begged from my dad as a very small kid. I had not developed a desire or a taste for beer. That would take years.

      I sipped the beer to get moisture to my dry mouth and throat. I did not like the bitter taste at all, yet I continued to sip awhile, I think to help me to deal with my nausea and growing anxiety. I looked around the place and it was cluttered with old newspapers and dirty dishes of food. This place would have made Oscar Madison look like Felix Unger. Jessica, tried to loosen me up with small talk, asking how old I was, then saying how I looked very mature for my age, and a dozen more meaningless things said during chit chats.

      She said, “Do you want to go to my room and fool around?”

      I was startled and stupidly said, “What?”

      She said, ‘It’s okay it’s all been paid for.”

I was very uptight, and I thought I was going to throw up.

      I mumbled, “No that’s okay.”

      I was thinking to myself, “All of your fantasies of sex and this is what’s offered to you instead.” The irony of the situation did not escape me.

      Not understanding why I would turn her down, she said, “You have a girlfriend, don’t you?”

      I lied, ‘Yes I do.”

      She said, “That’s okay, you can still fool around if you want.” “It’s natural fer men to want to git some on the side.”

      I lied again and I said, “I would love to but I have been feeling very sick lately.”

That was the truth, especially when I was hearing the bedsprings pick up their tempo, and the sounds moaning and inarticulate cries coming from the next room I was getting more nauseous by the minute. I was grinding my teeth to keep from puking.

      After what seemed like an eternity, Uncle Quasimodo made loud gargling choking snorting sounds of completion. The after sex sounds were almost as bad. I heard little snippets of moaning and cooing and giggling from the both of them. When they came out, I was shocked by what I saw.

It was the first time I had ever seen Uncle Quasimodo looking unkempt, even filthy.

      He looked drained and insane. His eyes were gleaming more intensely. He looked dangerously unstable.

I looked at her and I saw dirty rivulets of thick moisture sliding down along the inner hollows of her legs.

      An alien part of my mind whispered, “She should never wear those God awful shorts, there just not attractive.”

The other part of my mind realized how ridiculous that quiet assertion was.

       He looked at Jessica and me and said, “Hey there Lazareneo, you dun already.”

I just shook my head. Jessica said nothing.

      He said to the heinous mother, “Well hey, it’s gitin late. We got to git goen.” He gave her one more slurping kiss and whispered, “I’ll be back later tonight Sug!”

On the way back to his place I was quiet, and he sensed that things were amiss.

      He looked over and grabbed my knee and in a good natured voice said, “Hey there, I know you’re my honky tonk boy, aren’t ya son?”

      I mumbled something that seemed to satisfy him.

      Back at the house his wife said, “Lord have mercy… you all have been gone quite a spell!”

      He said, “Well we had to fix the watering system and then me and Lazareneo had to git something to eat, ain’t that right Lazareneo?”

      I thought, “Shit! I wish he quit calling me that.”

      I just mumbled while avoiding her eyes.

      She said, “You okay Sug?”

      I said,” I just need to lay down, I am really tired.”

      She said, “Go ahead Sug.”

      Uncle Quasimodo asked, “Have you seen Sammy and Dennis.” His voice seemed tainted with a covetous tone.

      She said, “They are out and about exploring the woods.”

      Later in the night, about the time he normally went to bed, he said to his wife, “Hell, I’m really worried sick about the watering system. I think I’ll go check it.”

      She said, “What in the devils name fer? It’s late, can’t it wait?”

      He said, ‘I got to check it; I want to make sure this crop makes it. I’ll be back.”

He left, and I knew he was going back to the cathouse.