Sexual Awareness and Other Opportunities

      The summer after sixth grade was the beginning of new changes for me -- both with my body and my focus of life. That summer, I found myself even more strongly drawn to staring at the True love and True romance magazines that my mother loved to read. I still didn’t know why they started to affect me that summer… my mother had the magazines around for quite a few years prior. The women on the covers of the magazines were beautiful and scantily clad. That summer I also felt attractions towards two girls that lived in the apartment complex. They had the same affect that Carmella had on me. One of girls a very pretty blond named Toni, the other girl was an extraordinarily developed and looked killer in a swimsuit, her name was Gracie.

      My painful shyness around girls was diminishing. I finally got to a space where I could hang out and joke around with pretty girls, and least for the most part. I use to fantasize whenever I could about hugging and kissing them, seeing them naked and touching them. Gracie, Toni, and the women on the pictures of my mother’s magazines were included in these fantasies. Since I still was not educated on the facts of life, I could not picture or visualize anything more than that.

      Not being able to picture anything more than touching, hugging and kissing didn’t keep me from touching my little beast, which was increasingly demanding attention.

      The hungry beast, my own personal Mr. Hyde…made me do it. I just couldn’t help it!  It would move around and swell whenever I thought of Gracie, Toni, Carmella, or any physically compelling girl at school. The pictures of all of my mother’s ‘True Love’ and ‘True Romance’ magazines showing the sexy adult women scantily clad would also aroused the beast within.

       It became apparent to me that my mother and all her friends and most of my female relatives as well… especially the younger women, bought a lot of magazines that talked about what women really wanted from their men.

      Their magazines talked about a lot of concerns that most women seemed to have; Things like “How to get your man to turn you on.”, or “How to make your man a better lover”, or “What does it mean when a man says this or that”, or “How to tell your man how you what to be treated”, and “What things to look out for in a man that will make him the most desirable for you.”

      Although I didn’t know anything about sex, and though these magazines were never sexually explicit, they provided my preteen mind with a wealth of information.

      Apparently, I am the only guy that I know of that took the time to read those articles. I guess that was the earliest period in my life when I intuitively knew the importance of getting insider information.

      Another way I use to gather insider info was to take every opportunity and go out of my way to sit with my mother and some of her good-looking friends. I loved being in the company of women, to find out what was on their minds.

      Anyway all of the stimulation that I got from pictures and from the time I spent in the company of woman is what first started me to step up my frequency of masturbating, thereby dumping greater levels of testosterone in my system. This is how it works with most men. It is at this time of puberty that men will start to touch themselves differently than all the previous times that we have since birth.

      That’s right, that’s what I said, - all of those previous times, since the day we jump out of the chute.

For those of you who don’t have kids, males start to play with their little toy the moment they are born. It just feels so damn good to be pulling, pressing and stretching that puppy like it is a Gumby pull toy. Young boys will often tug on their toy with such force and enthusiasm it makes us older guys cringe whenever we see our kids or nephews do it.  

      I think Italian kids are more aggressive about pulling on their Johnson…

I believe it’s just a cultural thing.

      A soon as an Italian boy can walk he may often grab their crotch of his diaper and say, “Yo, yo, fucken goo goo! Yeah, I got some Gerber’s for ya, right here!”

      All of those years of self-abuse did not prepare me with the mind-blowing pleasure that my wanker could provide me. Who the hell needs TV, Nintendo, or game-boy?”

      So at the age of ten and eleven I start to play with my twin with renewed vigor.

I never thought of sex, since I didn’t know what that was; I just had lots of visual images of me kissing and touching women or girl-women.

      The first time I ejaculated it literally scared the hell out of me! Honestly, it really freaked me out! There was an explosion of pleasure and release of which I had never had before.

I thought I had damage myself, that I had broken something internally.

      I also felt like I was doing something that God would not like and would certainly punish me for do such stuff. I don’t know why I felt that way, but I did. Funny thing… the shame and the fear of damage that I felt did not deter me one iota from doing it again, and again and again.

      I instinctually knew that I had to hide my new activity from my family. I would impatiently wait for my brother and sister to fall asleep since we shared the same bedroom, or I spent a hell of a long time in the shower. Instinctually my brother and sister seemed to know I was up to no good as they would try and catch me in the act. I don’t know why they did this, but they did.