Will You Look At This Puppy,

What The Fuck Do I Need To Lift Weights For?

      My Dad has always put the needs of his penis above… or should I say before everything… even his family. To show you how his penis still ruled; a few nights after we had gone to Gold’s Gym, several of his friends – if that’s what you could call them, showed up unexpectedly for drinks and conversation. After all, Vincenzo’s place was where these people of no account could count on hanging out for free booze and empty rooms where they could shag each other or do drugs unmolested by regular citizens.

      They had come over while my Dad was still in his bedroom sleeping off an earlier intoxication. There were three couples in all and it was apparent that they were use to hanging out there. A few of them had told me that they had been my Father’s prior roommates and a few claimed that on occasion they would come over to sleep over.

      Within a few minutes of introductions and questions about me they contented themselves to conversation amongst themselves. Within fifteen minutes of observing them and listening to their conversations, I knew what his visitors were all about.

      To say I was both appalled and dismayed by the company that my Dad was keeping is an understatement. The people that he invited regularly into his house were far more disreputable than my former friend Harry whom my Dad had so vehemently disliked, and in fact, they were as shaky as the worst of the dregs that my Brother James had hung with. The were the type of people that for years my Father would judge harshly, the type of people I did my best to avoid mixing with. Sadly, the irony of his inviting people like this to live with him or hang out with him did not escape me.

      That night around the table, the alcohol was flowing freely and I was the only one who was not drinking. There must have been six people there besides my Dad and I. My Dad was holding court at the head of the table. Sitting between my Dad and I was an ex-roommate and ex-lover of his. She was a loud, short, round and a brassy lady with lots of spunk. I liked her right from the start.

      As my Dad held court he was really getting into his story telling which required him to get up and move his arms and body about in a fashion that a lot of Italian story tellers love to do. His ex turned the back of her chair towards me so that she could face him as he performed his antics. He is moving this way and that way and then that way and he is including ex-girlfriend into the story. He was speaking loudly in his customary whisky and cigarette abused Peter Falk / Al Pacino voice.

      His ex-lover starts to nag him good naturally and then suddenly, un-expectantly - she hits my Dad, and I mean hard!

      My Dad stopped abruptly. Everyone in the room became silent, expecting impending violence and then a few people let go with some nervous giggles; because my Father had a reputation of losing it when someone hit him unexpectedly. Suddenly, she hits him again - more nervous giggling.

      My Dad stops and is quiet for what seems like forever, then he laughs and says, “Hey, I kind of like that.” “It turns me on!”

      He bends forward and leans into her and then they both start to suck face and make out as if they were in bed and alone.

      She begins moaning in pleasure and with expectant need, but unlike him, she was concerned that there was a roomful of people watching.

      “Oh Vincenzo, there are people here… let’s go to the bedroom.”

      My Dad not giving a shit who or how many people were witnessing their passion growls, “Ah, fuck em!”

      They continue to make out passionately and both of them are panting like cats in heat and then because her chair was being pushed back on the back legs, suddenly her chair breaks and she is on my lap and my Dad is over her and yet, this does not deter them in the least from their single minded pursuit of sexual pleasure. 

      To say I was uncomfortable would have been an understatement.

      After some struggle I managed to get them to stop and remove themselves off my lap.

      My Dad stood up and his head seemed to clear and he suddenly he was laughing.

      He was pointing at his apparent erection proudly. His maroon polyester stretch pants were being strained to the limits.

      My Dad was proudly standing there in all of his primal glory; his penis ignorant that my Father’s body and swollen liver nearly destroyed by years of alcohol abuse. He was proud of the fact that he could have been a porn star and everyone at the table was doing their best to avert their eyes.

      A few people were mumbling “Ah, Vincenzo, you want to put that puppy away and sit down?”

      My Dad looks down at it like a proud owner of a willfully disobedient pet.

      He even cuffs his member playfully with the back of his hand and laughs, “Ha, ha! Will you look at that puppy!” “What the hell do I need to lift weights for?”

      Everyone looked around at each other as if they were in shock by such an unlikely statement; as if they were wondering where the hell that came from.

      His guests were still embarrassed by his unabashed display of his penis.

      A few people yelled out, “Vincenzo… please.”

      His ex-girlfriend takes him by the hand and leads him away from the dining table to his bedroom. She was going to get a hand on the situation and my Father willing complied.

      In my mind’s eye, I could see my Dad’s neighbors calling animal control out to his house because he failed to keep it contained on a leash. I could see him terrifying his neighbors and animal control person saying, “Mr. Chimera, we are sorry but were going to have to put the brute down.  

      As I looked around the table of my Father’s questionable guests and as I listened to their admissions of shock over my Dad’s behavior, it occurred to me that even people of questionable character felt that my Father out of hand.